This is the first in a series of blogs sharing reflections on motherhood and practice by mothers in our Yogini Project team and from the global Yogini Community.
This first article is by TYP’s Sascha Alexandra Aurora from Denmark.
I think not only is a mother’s heart full of unconditional love for her child, but it also holds the inherent knowledge and wisdom of motherhood.
I have been a mother for almost four years and what I have come to experience is that raising a child is one of the keys to unlock a woman’s wisdom. If she listens. The whole world will tell you to do things other than to listen to your innate knowledge. The world at large will show you that you are the odd one out if you truly follow your inner guidance. All my suffering of being a mother is simply connected to this. As a mother I “know” what is right for my child. I have walked away from that daycare many a times, to have my heart shattered, while my baby has been crying out for me. I know how to live fully in contact with my child, but the circumstances have not been there to do it. The world as it is now is full of distractions and wrong views that lead us away from the awake and loving state that is our natural way of being.
The light that a child brings into this world is immense! It is a light that is dimmed by our inability to really connect with our innate ‘awakeness,’ or wakefulness. The reasons for that are probably many and I have not the answers. What I know is: When I connect with my daughter in a peaceful and present way, she comes to me as an equal. She is more capable than I think she is. When I really see her, she need not numb herself into unconsciousness. Then she can really blossom and be in her full power. And I need not to be afraid that she will not behave, for she is more intelligent than I think she is. If we are together on the same “wavelength,” she trusts me and listens to me.
What I have learned about feelings is that my capacity to be with feelings are limited. The displays of anger, sadness, rage, and the endless crying that sometimes fills a child is really hard to be with sometimes. I know I have been doing my best, but I have been overwhelmed and reacted in a unbeneficial way many of times. What I see now is that her displays of such emotions are a way to wake me up to understand that something is wrong. I have many times been told to just not care about it too much or punish her for behavior like that, but the truth is, I have never ever felt that that was right. So now I am living my truth. My husband and I divorced and I know these feelings are hard to handle for such a young child. When she then keeps me awake all evening, making shows, crying for milk, doing so many things to get a reaction from me, I know now what to do. She does it to connect to me. She does it to open up my heart and be there with her. So I be there. She lets it all out, any way is good; I just be there and give her the love and attention she needs. Slowly she opens up. Her crying changes, she hugs me, she even expresses in words how she feels and what the real causes for her distress is. This process can take some hours, so there is a lot of patience involved from my side. I know intuitively what she needs to communicate and I need to learn to trust that I know. I need to trust her too. If she suddenly giggles and tests me and I then react angrily because I think she is trying to provoke me or something, then I lost the game again. She tests me to see how far she can go, without me losing control. If I stay patient and show her that she is safe with me, to do anything, then she can really open up. Connecting like that is what gives her peace and trust in herself.
I don’t really mind the challenge. It is hard to wake up and be clear, mindful and all those things, at least when one is in the process of learning that. But the other option is even harder. The feeling of being a failure as a mom I know so well. I have been crying and suffering the past years because I could not give her the right care that I knew she needed. Emotional ups and downs, not being present, not slowing down, not eating the right foods, exhausting myself with silly distractions, relationship problems, the list goes on.
She is truly my teacher in that way that she pierces my heart to the core. If I don’t listen, it will hurt more and more; if I listen, I guess a rain of gifts will shower on me. This is how I see it. I feel for every child and every mother, I truly see the love that is underneath all the suffering and I wish that we all understand the preciousness of motherhood. It is the most important job in the whole world. It sustains life and growth. It is life and love itself. Lets not pollute it with falseness, but encourage truth and value it for what it really is.